Jesus Chrysler

Holy Cow Milk in Your Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee… And Possibly Curry, too?

philahellphia — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:50:29 +0000

Don’t worry, last week I hung out with my Slum-Dawg Krishna. It was dope. In Krishna’s own words: “It waz off da Heezy, J Weezy!” Which I assume to mean something fairly similar to “dope.”

It wasn’t all good though…

At the beginning of our meeting? Total K-hole. Rambling on and on about Dunkin’ Donuts franchises. I didn’t even pay attention to most of it. It was like going to one of those G-d awful time share seminars where the whole time you’re like: “When’s this gonna end so I can collect my free shit and leave?”

Then came the hallucinogenic drugs…

… which I needed in order to make any sense of their religion.

I never did get to meet this hot slice of Smurf ass, though. Oh well… Maybe next time.

I didn’t know who of my new Facebook-friends (all of whom, as it so happens, share an enthusiasm for curry) to tag in this next photo…

Finally, though, it ended. Krishna and I both made some compromises.

Krish-Nizzy, as he’s been calling himself ever since he hung out with Paris Hilton, got what he wanted: an Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire. And I got what I wanted… killer weed and the ability to outsource just about any task I’ll ever be charged with…

Yes, I am proud to say that I now have my very own army of sweat shops and Customer Service Call Centers scattered throughout the Third World and surrounding areas. So, my apologies to the cast and crew of The Reader. But first and foremost, I’ve got to think about Number One.

Once again, I win. Why? 'Cause I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P.

So, hats off to the Hindus!

Ironically, this was my present from Krishna (sorry, I mean “K-Money” or whatever it’s calling itself these days… I’ll tell ya, that smelly bastard changes his name more times than a tranny, throughout the various stages of the tranny life cycle).

As a side note, our meeting inspired me to come up with a rap verse…

J Creeazy’s rap verse:

It’s All Good if You Be Tryn’a Worship Cattle…

Just Make it Rain, Make my Piggy Bank Rattle!

WORD OF CHRIST: SAVIOR, LORD… DISCOUNT SHOPPER

Hangin’ with Bro-Hammed

philahellphia — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:10:30 +0000

Look at us… I still can’t believe they didn’t like our audition tape for Change Of Heart. We weren’t “quirky enough,” apparently.

You’re never going to believe this part… This is what he gave me as a present:

… Yeah, right. You seriously think they’re gonna let me bring that thing into an airport? I left it in a men’s room in Kabul.

And to think, my experience with Bro-Hammed somehow inspired a children’s book!

Spoiler Alert: We don’t end up finding the soap at the end… It never gets that Bro-mantic.

PEACE BE WITH YOU. AND ALSO WITH YOU… AND THE JEWS.

For Christ’s Sake…

philahellphia — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:46:20 +0000

I need a damn refill!

KANPAI… As they say in Japan.

Defamation: Tantamount to Taking My Name In Vain?

philahellphia — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 23:08:03 +0000

Should I sue this libelous bitch for defamation?

Attention Mankind (Specifically, America):

Don’t believe a word this c-nt says. She’s a liar. We never dated.

Do I fantasize about bucktoothed little boys with cow licks? Hell No. Do I look like a Catholic Priest??

Judas Priest, Maybe…

hmmm... the guy on the left? maybe a hybrid of all of them?

…But definitely not a Catholic priest.

Did I date Susan Campbell? Absolutely Not.

She’s just another delusional fan who wrote a book.

Though there is always that very small possibility that she’s a deranged ex-groupie from back in the 70′s… a decade of memories reduced to acid flashbacks.

Susan Campbell… I don’t even know her. I mean, I don’t really know her. She was just one of those people who’s prayers I started ignoring… because they were ridiculous. I mean, come on! What kind of middle school girl fantasizes about dating a 33 year old unemployed Jewish wizard who calls himself The Lord? So I didn’t take her seriously. I just wrote her off as one of Satan’s people. As it turns out, I was right.

A Note About The Priest / Alter Boy Logo Above:

I found this on the web (yes, I Google):

My Response:

What happened in the 70′s stays in the 70′s… Any hippie will tell you that. Myself not excluded.

The More You Know…

Because knowing is half the battle.

Brought to you by:

AMEN.

Body of Christ, Anyone?

philahellphia — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:19:05 +0000

Body of Christ! Guilt Free!!

A delicious wafer for breakfast, one for lunch and a reasonable dinner… and you’re just weeks away from feeling great and looking trim. What are you waiting for? The time is NOW. You deserve to have the figure you’ve always dreamed of!

YOU TOO can have the Body of Christ…

My rockin' swimmer's bod brings every concubine in Jerusalem to the yard!

AMEN!

Daily Absurd Church Sign…

philahellphia — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 02:54:37 +0000

As mentioned in an earlier post, I will post a new Christian church sign each with my comments and/or captions (and/or none of the above). I encourage you to submit your comments or thoughts on the matter. Bear in mind that I am Jesus. So when I encourage you to do something, you’d better do it… or else I might just not die for your sins next time. And there will be a next time… Anyhow, witty captions are almost always welcome… That is, of course, unless written by the hand of a Homosexual or an Atheist.

Good thing mine is 10 inches… that either means it can bring an even taller man to his knees or the 6 foot man will be knocked on his back… I can work with both.

Oh yeah, and by 10 inches… I mean completely flaccid.

Lift Your Hearts Up To The Lord & Rejoice…

Gateway Drugs Are OK with JH Chrysler

philahellphia — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:32:46 +0000

… I don’t know about the other ones though.

What? It was 4:20!

If you think about it, a “gateway” drug is not necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as a “gateway” into

Me with Timbo (my producer). I'm wearing the cans.

…the Kingdom of Jesus H. Chrysler. It’s gonna be awesome… MTV will be there.

Gettin' into shape for the partay!

It’s kind of like my Dad’s party, “Heaven” except way better because that annoying St. Peter isn’t bouncing so we won’t have to deal with his super annoying friends and their “VIP” status.

Word of G-d, go to bed!

Absurd Church Signs, The Series…

philahellphia — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 04:11:18 +0000

Each day, I will post a new Christian church sign and leave comments and/or captions and/or none of the above. You are encouraged by Yours Truly to submit your comments or thoughts on the matter. A witty caption is almost always welcome… That is, unless it was written by the hand of a homosexual or an Atheist.

Sign #1: Knee-Mail

Knee-Mail @ G-D.com

Ok. I’m pretty sure this sign takes my Dad’s (a/k/a the Lord’s) name in vain. First of all, why do Christians think they are not exempt from the g-d thing? You can get away with thinking that you are a monotheistic religion. But we’re still on the fence as to whether it’s the same monotheistic religion? Grow up. Second of all, it sounds like the purpose of this sign was to ensure the priests that, come Sunday morning, there awaits an audience of kneeling altar boys… their mouths agape… eager to service. See, even I can think of some sick shit from time-to-time.

Praise Be To Who??

In The Beginning… there was laughter and applause

philahellphia — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 02:01:31 +0000

To this day, it is still super funny when people say “L-O-L” instead of just laughing. LOL. I guess some things never do change.

Oh. And, yes. It’s true. I invented “L-O-L”. It never did make it into the New Testament, though. For whatever reason. Actually, come to think of it, it was only after they wrote the New Testament that The Bible as a whole became… well, to put it bluntly… unfunny.

The Lord Hath Spoken.

Hello world! Let’s Talk About My Parents…

philahellphia — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 21:46:24 +0000

It’s me, Jesus H. The “H” stands for “Himself”. Note that “Himself”, by virtue of it being my middle name, has been promoted to proper noun status. This was not unintentional, according to my parents.

Listening to Creed on my iPod...

And, yes. I do still consider Mary and Joe to be my “real” parents, and I still list them as my emergency contacts. Much like an adopted child. Wouldn’t you? My other “dad” was never around… I’m sorry, I mean he was never around in the tangible sense. And he let the school bullies crucify me for things I didn’t do… Like the sins of man, for instance.

... Except in Canada and most of Europe, where the government takes care of that...

Wow… bear with me here… Saying all of this out loud is really stirring up so many new feelings and emotions. Wow. You were right Maury, I kind of did have a deadbeat Dad. But I still think those paternity tests were rigged. And I’m still waiting for the second opinion you promised. I of all people should’ve known better than to trust a Jew.

Anyhow… I guess you could say that I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family, much like many modern-day Americans. No offense, Dad… (I mean G-D… Not my “real” dad).

May Peace Be With You.